Go, go now! Seriously I wouldn’t mind if you ditched my post to go on the hunt for a screening near you. But perhaps come back after.
You’re here, ok, good. 🙂
I think I am quite a confident person. It is a face that I roll with and most of the time I believe it to be true. It is something that I have worked on for so many years. It isn’t hard work but continual and going to see Embrace was another workshop for me.
I laughed throughout, relating to some of the stories and thinking about how insane some of my thoughts are. I cried thinking about my daughter possibly battling the same anxieties and how strongly I want to represent as a good role model. It also brought up some of the words that have stuck with me and take a swipe when I let my guard down.
“Your back looks just like Mr Burns’!”
I was a very skinny girl, just that way naturally. There were some eating issues but not so far as a disorder. They were so complex I just wouldn’t know how to get into them in writing. Thankfully I began eating more when I started travelling (ironically as this is normally when you eat less because experience beats eating in another country). Unfortunately, I have never really gotten over when my boyfriend at the time related my back to that of Mr Burns from the Simpsons. How does one take that in their very early 20s? Not well at all!
How I wished for so many years that my backbone didn’t stick out. I would sit at different angles to see if I could get it to be “in” more. I wanted to get rid of the moles that speckled my skin and over time I cosmetically did just that with necessary and unnecessary surgery over a whole decade after these words were said.
You know what, now my backbone doesn’t stick out but I’ve moved on to complain about the weight I have put on with lazy eating and baby making. Completely one of the messages of Embrace, if it isn’t one thing it is another and to be rid of all this body shame is our own confidence.
The vision in my mind of my back isn’t a great one. I have to keep working on that. As funny as it sounds, comparing your body to a Simpsons character, these are the words that sting the most.
“I don’t normally date girls like you. Normally they’re prettier.”
Where is my time machine, I need to go back and slap myself for sticking around with this guy for a year! I think it was my mission to bring him back down to earth.
Obviously, this has stuck with me but it is far from hurtful anymore. Ok, maybe it still stings the tiniest bit as it has made this post but only because who doesn’t want to be “the prettiest girl” until you realise she is struggling with the same self-esteem issues as you are.
My favourite thing to do after this nasty line pops up in my head is remember his tears in my car after I broke up with him… Where are your pretty girls now, chump?!
Ok, this one is just a reaction and it happened not long ago, as in just weeks before I went and saw the movie.
It was a relaxed conversation with a family member and we were talking about weight. I mentioned that I didn’t want to clock over to the next ten on the scales. You know that line when the weight has crept up and up and then you see a 9 at the end of that digital number and you spring into action… for a little while. That is where I was at and I opened up and told her my weight and how I was feeling.
Well! I may as well have served her a line of cocaine with her afternoon tea! Her reaction to my weight number was pure horror.
I have done enough work on myself to know that her response was not my issue, it is completely hers. It was her upbringing and it only highlights to me why I have to be completely aware of the messages I am sending to my own daughter.
These are not nice things to go back to and I know that many women go about their days with an emotional suitcase filled with these kinds of horrible memories. This time around thinking of these words wasn’t such a bad thing as I could reflect on how they had made me feel at the time, a few years after and now. I can see the progress and power I have given to myself to soften those words.
It’s that power that I hope to pass on to both my children, but especially my daughter.
Have you seen Embrace yet? You really should. It’s brilliant.